Build a Child For the Road Not the Road For the Child!

 A man, Avid Gardener saw a small Butterfly laying few eggs in one of the pots in his garden. Since that day he looked at one egg with ever growing curiosity and eagerness. The egg started to move and shake a little. He was excited to see a new life. He spent hours watching the egg now. The egg  expanded and developed  cracks,  a tiny head and antennae started to come out over, so slowly that ,Avid got his magnifying glasses and sat to watch the  body of a pupa coming out. He saw the struggle of the tender pupa and couldn't resist his urge to "HELP". 

          He went and got a tender forceps to help the egg break, a nip here a nip there to help the struggling life and the pupa was out. The man was ecstatic! He waited now each day for the pupa to grow and fly like a beautiful butterfly, but alas!!! That never happened. The larvae pupa had an oversized head and kept crawling along in the pot for the full 4 weeks and then withered away!

          Depressed Avid went to his botanist friend and asked the reason. His friend told him the struggle to break out of the egg helps the larvae to send blood to its wings and the head push helps the head to remain small so that the tender wings can support it through its 4 week life cycle. In his eagerness to help, the man destroyed a beautiful life!
         Struggles help us!! That’s why a wee bit of effort goes a long way to develop our strength to face life's difficulties!!

 As parents, we sometimes go too far trying to help and protect our kids from life's harsh realities and disappointments. We don't want our kids to struggle like we did. We're sending our kids, the message that they're not capable of helping themselves.

Harvard Psychiatrist Dr. Dan Kindlon says that over-protected children are more likely to struggle in relationships and face life’s challenges. It is quite interesting to know, the personality of a child, broadly depends on the development of the child’s’ first three years’.

It has been found that parents who provide their children with proper nurture, independence and firm control, have higher levels of competence and are socially well accepted.

 A child’s temperament is greatly influenced by parents’ cultural pattern and on the kind of “parenting style”, a child may receive.

Let us glance the three major Parenting styles, namely

Permissive, Authoritarian & Authoritative, so that we can self-evaluate ourselves, modify ourselves and be the “Guiding Light “for our children.

1. Permissive, non-directive parenting -Permissive parents try to be "friends" with their child. Parents also tend to give their children whatever they want and hope that they are appreciated for their accommodating style. Other permissive parents compensate for what they missed as children.

As a result children may tend to be more impulsive and never learn to control their own behaviour and always expect to get their way.

2. Authoritative parenting  - It is a child-centered approach, where parents explain the purpose of following the discipline rules, help the children become more responsible and gradually develop leadership qualities. Authoritative parents often help their children to find appropriate outlets to solve problems. Though they encourage children to be independent but still place limits on their actions and set clear standards.

 Often, authoritative parenting can produce children who are more independent and self-reliant.

3.Authoritarian Parenting –It involves in laying strict rules to be followed without giving proper explanation .children in this kind of environment will only learn to follow ,in turn become rebellious adolescents.  Parents often leave little room for any “grey area.” They tend to want  their  kids to behave in  an orderly fashion and  they expect them “To be seen and not to be heard” most of the time.

  We as elders/parents’ do’ consciously or unconsciously burden our children with our own expectations and desires without realistically assessing their own strengths and weaknesses. In the illusionary concept of parenthood that we have created ,we try to make them fit into a mould that we have created, and this mould gets passed on from generation to generation.

 Now let’s take a look at what ‘we can do’ to change this.

 "It  is  Our Job  to  prepare  Our  Children  for  the  Road & Not  prepare  the  Road”

‘Childhood is not a race to see how quickly a child can read, write & count. Childhood is small window of time to learn and develop at the pace which is right for each individual child.’

Some tips to parents:

1. Know your child’s abilities and weaknesses.

2. Set aside specific times during the day to work with your child.

3. Provide organisation in your child’s life.

4. Let your child have the success experience to boost success.

5. Fathers should make sure to spend specific time with child.

6. Do not emphasize failures.

7. Be honest with your child, do not say there is

    “Nothing wrong”.

8. When your child is capable of doing a task, gently insist that he/she finish it.

9. Encourage good behaviour. This is more beneficial than punishment for bad behaviour.

10. Be the best role models for your children.

-P.Mahalakshmi & Kirti Avinash